my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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