Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
