I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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