You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
