I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
