I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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