Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
