I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
