why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
