I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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