All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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