okay pat passed out under dana's car
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
