shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
