In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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