Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
