My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
