If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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