I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
