If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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