you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize