When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
