u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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