just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
