So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
