the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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