A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
