I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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