i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize