My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you win again, gameday.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
