My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and i looked up. we had an audience...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
