please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
