those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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