Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
