I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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