Capitaan dildo arrescate!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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