don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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