so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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