The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
