How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Is it because I queefed?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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