Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
