It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize