I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
