Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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