You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
