i think my tv is drunk
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
