We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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