so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
