I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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