Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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