So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
