In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
