i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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