i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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