I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
