Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
