i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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