And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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