perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
