A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sarcasm needs its own font
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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