Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
