i can't believe i had my finger in that
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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