i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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