Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
