u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
