I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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