awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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